How to help if the person you support chooses to stay in a violent situation

Respond with empathy

Leaving an abusive relationship is challenging, whether the relationship is romantic or not. The decision is personal. Many people think that the obvious choice is to leave immediately but this can be hard.

People may stay in violent situations because:

• They love the person who hurts them.
• They are afraid the abuse will get worse if they leave. This is a real risk.
• They are dependent on the violent person for money or help with daily tasks.
• They feel isolated and alone.
• They think they deserve the abuse or that abuse will happen anyway.

Respect their choice

Don't tell the person that they must leave the violent situation now. Don't blame them for the abuse or tell them that if it were really bad, they would go. Remember, everyone has the right to make their own decisions, including mistakes.

Instead, you could say, "Whatever your reasons for staying, you deserve to be safe. The abuse you experience is not your fault. You can take small steps to make yourself safer now. Maybe you will be ready to leave in the future."

Focus on improving their safety

Safety can be improved, even if someone is not ready to leave a violent situation. 

You can:

Encourage them to seek support. They could contact someone they trust, or a support service like a helpline or a counsellor. Perhaps they could talk to a local domestic violence shelter or support group.

You can find out about Australian helplines on the Neve page Helpline directory (internal link). You can learn about counselling and therapy on the Neve page Counselling and therapy (internal link).

Share information about safety planning. A safety plan is a collection of strategies and resources like a pre-packed bag for emergencies and a list of emergency contacts. Scroll down to the section on safety planning for more information.

Encourage them to take control of their financial situation. The person you support might begin saving money in a private bank account. They could explore employment or financial assistance options. Learn about increasing financial independence on the Neve page Managing your own money (internal link). 

Recognise the situation is complex, especially if the person who hurts them is also their supporter. Let them know that you will help them think of solutions if they want and if you are comfortable doing this. Help them plan what they could do if they need help quickly.

Give them information on their right to live free from violence. You can read more about the rights of people with disabilities on the Neve page Disability and discrimination (internal link).

Encourage them to look after themselves. Self-care helps us cope when times are tough. You can read more about self-care and looking after yourself on the Neve page Caring for yourself (internal link). You can also connect the person you want to help with peer-support or self-advocacy groups.

Help them learn about their legal options. If the person you support is interested, you could help them research legal tools such as restraining and protective orders. You can read more about legal support in the Neve section Understanding the justice system (internal link).

How to help if the person you support chooses to leave a violent situation

Research shows us that one of the most dangerous times for a person experiencing abuse happens when they leave the abusive situation. It takes courage and support. It’s essential to plan ahead. If you feel comfortable, let the person you support know that you can help them if they want.

Make a safety plan

Encourage the person you support to make a safety plan. A safety plan is a personalised, step-by-step strategy for leaving an abusive situation and seeking help.

The plan doesn’t have to be written down. It’s better not to have a written plan if it could put the person you support in danger.

If the person you support reads well, you can share the Neve page How to be safe when you leave an abusive relationship (internal link). You can also change the mode of the website into Easy Read if that is a more accessible format for them.

A safety plan should include:

• ‍Emergency contacts. Make a list of trusted friends, family members and organisations. The person you support could save the list on their phone, or somewhere else private.‍
• An emergency bag. Pack a bag with essential documents. It should include ID, like a passport or birth certificate. The person you support should also pack medication, money, medical equipment, assistive devices and any personal items they need. They could leave the emergency bag at a trusted friend or family member's house.‍
• A safe space. Help them pick a safe place to go in a crisis. It could be a trusted friend or family member's house or a domestic violence shelter.‍
• Ways to manage the disability. If the abusive person is the carer of the person you support, they must think about how to have their care needs met outside that relationship. It can be very challenging.‍
• Protection orders. Talk with legal professionals or a domestic and family violence service to get legal protection. Learn more on the Neve page Protection orders (internal link).‍
• A plan about money. The person you support could begin saving money in a private bank account. They could look for work or financial assistance options. Learn more on the Neve page Help managing your money (internal link).‍
• A plan to change the locks. If the person you support plans to stay in their home after ending the relationship, have the locks changed immediately. Some states and territories offer financial support to do this. Talk to a domestic and family violence service to see how they can help. Find help on the Neve Helplines directory (internal link).‍
• A plan to change phone numbers. The person you support should get a new phone number to prevent unwanted contact.‍
• Counselling. Find a therapist or counsellor who specialises in domestic violence. It can help the person you support process their experiences and emotions. Learn more on the Neve page Counselling and Therapy (internal link).‍
• Ways to seek support. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard, but no one has to do it alone. Contact local domestic violence shelters, hotlines, and support groups. These organisations offer guidance, protection, and resources to help leave an abusive situation safely.

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What else to do if you're worried about violence

Get help deciding what to do. The National Disability Abuse and Neglect Hotline works with callers to find appropriate ways of dealing with reports of abuse and neglect of people with disabilities. To make a report, contact the Hotline on 1800 880 052 or email hotline@workfocus.com. Let the person you support know about this conversation.

Keep records of the bad behaviour. If it is safe, help the person you support save phone call logs, text messages, photos or other evidence showing the harm. You could take a picture of a bruise or keep notes about something you saw. If the person you support decides to go to the police later, you will have evidence to share.

Report the problem to authorities. You could call your local police. You could speak to a relevant government organisation, like an Ombudsman or the Australian Human Rights Commission. Let the person you support know if you do these things.

Speak to a counsellor. You could see a counsellor, therapist, or psychologist if you are feeling anger, distress, or confusion. They can help you process complicated feelings. Learn about the different options on the Neve page Counselling and therapy (internal link).

Talk to a service coordinator. This can help if the abusive person provides a service related to disability, like physiotherapy, gardening, cleaning or anything else in the NDIS plan of the person you support. Tell the service coordinator what happened, and what you’d like to happen next, including if you want the complaint to remain confidential. The person you support might want to offer feedback about the inappropriate behaviour but still work with the person. Or, they might want a new person to provide the service.

Make a complaint to the NDIS Quality and Safeguards Commission. If the person is experiencing violence from an NDIS provider, you can complain to the NDIS Quality and Safeguards Commission. Read more about making a complaint to the Commission on the NDIS Commission website (external link).