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Five important skills

Emotional intelligence helps us recognise our feelings. We can cope with conflict and stress. We can achieve our goals.

Emotional intelligence also helps us build good relationships with other people. We can understand why others behave the way they do.

To be smart about feelings, you need five skills:

  1. Be self-aware. It means you notice your feelings and actions. For example, you might notice that you feel upset when friends go to a social event without you. You might say mean things to yourself or your friends when you feel upset. This is just an example. To be self-aware, pay attention to how you feel and what you do.
  2. Manage your feelings. Learn to look after yourself when you feel upset. It means you can cope with stress, conflict and hurt feelings. For example, you might talk to a good friend when you feel sad.
  3. Motivate yourself. It means you know what you want and need, and try to get it. If there is a problem, you try to solve it. If you need help, you ask someone you trust.
  4. Be aware of other people. Empathy means you understand what other people are feeling. For example, you might know that a friend has been too busy with work to see you recently. Instead of getting angry, you could agree to call them again in a month or two. It shows you have thought about how they feel.
  5. Connect with other people. It means you have healthy relationships with friends and family. To build relationships, make the most of your strengths. For example, you might be good at listening. In that case, you can ask questions that show an interest in the person you're talking to.
Emotional intelligence is a skill you can practise. Think of your emotional intelligence as a muscle. If you're willing to put in some effort, you can make it stronger!

Being smart about feelings does not mean you should put up with violence or abuse. You can read about different types of violence and abuse in the Neve section Staying safe (internal link).

It is normal to feel upset when people assume you can't do things because of your disability or say mean things to you. When you are smart about feelings, you feel upset but you have ways to cope. Get tips to cope with hurtful comments on the Neve page Microaggressions (internal link).

Signs you could learn more about your feelings

It's a good idea to learn more about feelings if:

  • You find it hard to say what you feel.
  • You often feel upset about things people say and do, even when they say they didn't mean to hurt you.
  • You find it hard to set goals or get what you want.
  • You face the same problems over and over again and can't think of new solutions.
  • Other people often seem unfair. Their actions don't make sense to you.
  • You find it hard to make friends or have close relationships.
  • You often feel that your emotions are too big to manage.

Be kind to yourself

Feelings can seem scary and hard to manage. You might think, "Why would I want to know more about that?"

It can also be upsetting to hear that you have control over your feelings, especially if you have faced a lot of unfairness. You might think, "Anyone who had my life would feel the way I do."

But becoming smarter about feelings has many advantages. It:

  • Improves mental health, so that you feel happier, calmer and less worried.
  • Makes relationships stronger.
  • Motivates you to achieve your goals.
  • Makes you more satisfied with your life.
  • Helps you set good boundaries, which means you tell people what you want and don't want them to do.

You don't have to figure out your feelings by yourself. You can get support from a friend, helpline or counsellor.

Make friends with your emotions

Many of us learn to fear our emotions. We might believe it is wrong or shameful to feel "bad" emotions like:

  • Anger
  • Fear
  • Excitement
  • Jealousy.

As a result, we may have become detached from our feelings, which means we don't recognise what we feel, while we're feeling it. Maybe we ignore our feelings until they are too big to control.

A healthy way to think about emotions is to recognise that they give us clues about our needs and wants. For example, we often feel angry when a situation is unfair. It doesn't mean we must express our anger by screaming and shouting. But, we might feel good if we worked to fix the unfairness that made us angry.

Pay attention to how you feel - it is the first step in managing your feelings. Think about these clues from these parts of your body:

  • Breath, which can be fast or slow, deep or shallow.
  • Your heart, which can pound and race with fear or excitement or seem to swell with joy.
  • Your face, which can heat with anger or embarrassment.
  • Your throat, which can ache and feel tight or clear and ready to talk.
  • Your stomach, which can feel full of excited butterflies or sick with anxiety.
  • Your shoulders, which can feel high and tense or wide and relaxed.

To get in touch with your emotions, you can:

  • Remind yourself that it is ok to feel, and that you don't have to act on every feeling.
  • Scan your body for physical feelings.
  • Use words to label your feelings, such as "I am feeling angry", "I am feeling happy", or "I am feeling jealous".
  • Notice how your feelings change over an hour, a day, or a week. Pay attention to what influences these changes. For example, what makes you change from feeling calm to feeling worried.
  • Use meditation, therapy, or peer support to get to know yourself better.

1800 RESPECT

If you experience violence or abuse you can contact 1800 RESPECT for support and counselling.
Call 1800 737 732 or go to the 1800 RESPECT website to chat with someone online (external link).

‍To contact 1800RESPECT via SMS, text ‘HELLO’ or any greeting to 0458 737 732 to start the conversation.

Story

Stevie has a physical disability that makes many activities difficult. Sometimes, it's hard for Stevie to listen to other people's stories about doing things like dancing, hiking and swimming. In the past, Stevie became very upset and said that people were trying to make them jealous. Now, Stevie recognises that these stories hurt. They try to cope with their feelings. For example, they could politely change the subject. If they are talking to a good friend, Stevie could explain how the stories make them feel. Stevie could also talk to their NDIS coordinator about taking swimming lessons. Stevie's feelings are not bad or wrong. Feelings give Stevie clues about what they want to do.

Calm space

This section is a space for you to use when you need it. It has supportive self-care resources. You can also use it with your friends and family.

Find out more

Counselling and therapy

If you have difficulties you can't overcome alone, you could see a counsellor, therapist or psychologist. You can talk about relationships, sexuality, sadness and tricky problems. You can discuss anxiety, depression, anger, violence, self-image and disability. They will listen and offer treatment. Here, you can learn about the different options.

Find out more

Resources.

May 4, 2024

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Headspace

Body scan meditation to reduce stress

Here’s everything you need to know about body scan meditation — including how to do it.

Check resource

May 4, 2024

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Participate Australia

Making Money Easy

A tool to support children, teens and adults with mild to moderate intellectual disability to learn basic counting and money handling skills.

Check resource

May 4, 2024

|

Disability Australia Hub

Self-advocacy

Self-advocacy is when someone with disability speaks up and represents themselves. This guide shows you how.

Check resource

May 7, 2024

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Touching Base

Booklets For People With Disability

Resources and information for people with disability about seeing a sex worker.

Check resource

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Get to know your emotions

Emotional intelligence means being smart about feelings. People with a lot of emotional intelligence recognise what they feel and know how to manage their feelings. They recognise how other people feel, too. Here, you can learn how to get to know yourself better and build good relationships with other people.

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