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Saying no and setting boundaries

A boundary is something we won't do or won't accept from others. It can be about touch, like saying no to hugging. It can be about words, like saying no to insults or yelling. Clear boundaries help us feel good. They make relationships more healthy. Here, you can learn what boundaries look like. You can get help setting yours.

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What are boundaries?

Examples of boundaries include:

  • Keeping some things private. For example, if a stranger asks, "What disability do you have?" you could say, "That's private."
  • Telling people you don't like to be talked about in a certain way. For example, you might not like to be called "a disabled person". Or, you might like that title. It's up to you.
  • Wanting privacy from a support worker. For example, you could say, "Please don't come in when I'm using the bathroom. I can manage alone."
  • Saying no to sharing nude photos with someone online.
  • Asking someone to talk to you in a calm voice.

These are just examples. Choose boundaries that are right for you.

People need and want different things. The point of a boundary is that it helps YOU feel safe, calm and respected.

It is not selfish to say no to things that make you feel bad.  Boundaries help you look after your health and happiness. They make your life better. They improve relationships, too.

Learn to speak up for yourself

To set boundaries, you have to be assertive. It means you ask for what you want in a direct and polite way. Saying what you need and want gives you more control. Learn how to be assertive on the Neve page Speaking up for yourself (internal link).

You can have boundaries without being selfish or rude. It doesn't mean you don't care about other people. It helps friends, your family and your partner understand you better. Your relationships can improve.

How to set a boundary

  1. Think about what you need. What are the things that people say and do make you feel sad, mad, upset or stressed? Pick one.
  2. Choose your boundary. Make it clear and simple. Practice what you will say. It could be something like, "I feel upset when you do things for me that I can do myself. I will tell you when I need help."
  1. Talk to the person who has upset you. Tell them your boundary. Try to stay calm.
  2. Stick to you plan. If the person doesn't change their behaviour, tell them again.
  3. Be kind to yourself if you make a mistake, like yelling or giving in. It takes practice. You can try again.

Why set boundaries?

Boundaries help us have healthy relationships. Setting boundaries with a friend, family member, partner or supporter can lead to:

  • More understanding
  • Less conflict
  • More trust and respect
  • Open communication
  • Compromise, which is when people who disagree find common ground.

1800 RESPECT

If you experience violence or abuse you can contact 1800 RESPECT for support and counselling.
Call 1800 737 732 or go to the 1800 RESPECT website to chat with someone online (external link).

‍To contact 1800RESPECT via SMS, text ‘HELLO’ or any greeting to 0458 737 732 to start the conversation.

Story

Joan and Tess want to live together as friends. But sometimes, when they disagree, Joan yells at Tess. This makes Tess feel upset. She does not like yelling or loud noises. Joan and Tess sit down to talk about the problem. Tess tells Joan, “When we argue, please don't yell. It makes me feel upset. I don't want to move in together if you cannot respect this boundary.”

Our rights

We all have the right to live full and flourishing lives, free from violence and abuse. This section looks at the history of human rights and United Nations conventions. We also outline the rights of women and gender-diverse people with disabilities in the Australian legal system.

Find out more

Speaking up for yourself

One way to speak up for yourself is to be assertive. This means directly and politely asking for what you need and want. Being assertive is a valuable skill. It can help you communicate better, reduce stress, and improve your life. Here, you can learn the difference between being assertive and being passive or aggressive. You can learn how to speak up for yourself well.

Find out more

Resources.

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Headspace

Body scan meditation to reduce stress

Here’s everything you need to know about body scan meditation — including how to do it.

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Participate Australia

Making Money Easy

A tool to support children, teens and adults with mild to moderate intellectual disability to learn basic counting and money handling skills.

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May 4, 2024

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Disability Australia Hub

Self-advocacy

Self-advocacy is when someone with disability speaks up and represents themselves. This guide shows you how.

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May 7, 2024

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Touching Base

Booklets For People With Disability

Resources and information for people with disability about seeing a sex worker.

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Saying no and setting boundaries

A boundary is something we won't do or won't accept from others. It can be about touch, like saying no to hugging. It can be about words, like saying no to insults or yelling. Clear boundaries help us feel good. They make relationships more healthy. Here, you can learn what boundaries look like. You can get help setting yours.

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