The basics of consent education

Many people with ID need a different framework to understand consent than people without ID. It can be complex to teach positive practices because every situation needing consent is different.

The most effective way to teach sexual consent is to show your client how consent works in non-sexual situations. Spend some time planning how to use consent in your professional practice. You could:

• Ask for consent before discussing a topic. Suppose you want to talk to your client about personal grooming. You could say, "I'd like to talk about clothes, hair and washing today. Would you like to do that?"
• Talk about how to ask for consent in everyday situations. For example, "Hey, I'm in the mood for some loud music today. I was thinking about playing Taylor Swift from my speaker in the kitchen. How would you feel about that? I can turn it down if it's too loud. We can pick the music together if you don't feel like Tay-Tay. I can see that you're reading your book, so I understand if it's not the right time. I can use my headphones. What do you think?"

Talk about how consent can be used by support workers. For example:

"Today after you have your shower, we need to use that cream the doctor gave you on your vulva. Your vulva is a private part of your body. I want to make sure that you are okay with my help. Let me know when you are ready for me to help. Would you like me to talk you through it behind the shower curtain? Or would you like me to watch? I can put gloves on and help if you need, but I will wait until you ask me to. If it feels uncomfortable, we can stop at any time. What do you think?”

In these examples, care has been taken to provide all the relevant information, consider the other person’s feelings, and to let them know that it's safe to say no or stop.

It’s also important to explain what sexual consent should look and feel like. You could say something like:

“Consent means you ask before you start, or the other person asks you before they start. It means that everyone has said "Yes". Everyone agrees. Everyone is happy and excited. Everyone feels good. Everyone can say "No" if they want. They can say, "Stop now". People listen to each other. They pay attention to what feels good. If someone is sad or worried, everyone stops.”  

Strategies for trauma-informed consent education

All consent education must be trauma-informed. This means that it is:

• Safe.
• Trustworthy.
• Collaborative, which means you work with the person you're teaching.
• Freely chosen by participants.
• Empowering.

People should use trauma-informed rules during consent education to avoid causing harm.

Before discussing consent with your client, ensure they consent to the conversation. Tell them what you'll discuss and set up an easy 'out' option. For example, you could use:

• A safe word, such as "mushrooms" or "pass." If your client says the safe word, the conversation stops.
• A hand signal that means "I need a break" or "Can we change the subject?"

They may not use the word or signal, but you've given them the option.

Ask lots of open questions. This allows you to check what your client understands as you talk. Avoid making assumptions about what they want to learn. Don't assume they are or are not sexually active. Remember that asexual people (people who have low or no sexual desire) need good consent education to help protect them from sexual and family violence.

Find out how they like to communicate. Consider using games or activities. If they avoid eye contact, give them something to play with or look at. 

Ask them how they feel and offer to stop if they want. Sometimes, people with ID use strategies like over-talking to cope with uncomfortable feelings. Gently guide the conversation to a safe place if you see signs of distress. Before you start, ask your client how they like to communicate.

Use gender neutral terms and examples. For example, do not assume your client is only interested in hetero sex (sex between a man and woman), even if they identify as heterosexual. The Genderbread Person is a fantastic resource on gender and sexuality. You can access it here (external link).

If you're comfortable, say what pronouns you prefer, like she/her, them/they or he/him. This shows that you are inclusive. You can ask your client which pronouns they prefer, just be aware that they may not want to share their pronouns if they aren't ready to be public about it. This includes when you're in a group setting or around other people. If this is the case, consider using their name rather than a pronoun.

Be ready to be told your client has experienced sexual harm. Talking about consent often raises issues of past experiences where there was no consent, like rape or unwanted touching. If your client tells you they have been harmed, listen with empathy and without judging. Later, seek support from a supervisor. Talking about what happened can help you avoid vicarious trauma, which is when someone else's trauma has a big impact on you.

Self-care. Check in with yourself before starting consent education. Talking about consent can bring up complicated feelings, especially if you've had bad experiences in the past. Learn how to recognise your stress responses and change the topic if you need to.

Be kind to yourself if you make a mistake. Remember that most people, including you, have no formal consent education. If you get something wrong, revisit and correct it. If an apology is necessary, offer it, but don't assume you need to. We are all human. We make mistakes.

When is consent needed?

Before any sexually intimate act, there should be a conversation about agreement or permission. 

Sexual intimacy:

• Involves the private parts of the body.
• Can happen face-to-face in real time.
• Can also happen via technology, like a smart phone or computer.

Before sexual intimacy, you need consent.

Here are some examples of sexual intimacy:

• Kissing, hugging, holding hands, stroking.
• Touching and looking at private parts like bottom, breasts, vulva, vagina or penis.
• Sharing sexy photos and videos online.

Ask your client what people do to feel close to each other when they like each other more than friends. Explain to them that consent determines whether the other person enjoys it. We can never tell really whether a sexual act is wanted or not without asking first.

Everyone can practice consent 

Tell your client that they can practice consent with intimate non-sexual behaviours like:

• Deep and meaningful chats
• Gifts
• Compliments
• Personal questions.

Non-sexual consent is a powerful tool for building intimacy or closeness with other people. Over time, practising consent might help your client find a partner, girlfriend or boyfriend! 

It would help if you also talked to your client about body language. Let them know they cannot rely on body language alone to tell them if someone consents to something. Body language can add to verbal consent but doesn't replace it.

Some people say yes when they mean no. If someone says "yes" but looks sad or scared, tell your client to treat it as a "no". This is true of consent about all kinds of things, not just sex.

We talk more about saying yes but meaning no in the section on recognising enthusiasm. It is essential learning for people who struggle to read social cues and body language.  

Consent is more than just saying yes

The FRIES model of consent was developed by Planned Parenthood in America. You can access it here (external link). You can use it to talk to your client about consent.

FRIES helps us remember that consent should be:

F – Freely given. There is no unfair power imbalance, pressure or tricks. You can talk about peer pressure, gifts that come with expectations, or the false idea that you must have sex with your partner or spouse whenever they want. Let your client know that they always have the right to say no to sex. 

R – Reversible. You can change your mind at any time. Consent does not only happen at the beginning of sex. It is ongoing throughout the sexual experience. Seek agreement before every new position or act.

I – Informed. Everyone knows what they are agreeing to. Remember that sex can mean different things to different people. If the terms of the agreement aren't met, then there is no consent. For example, suppose you have agreed to have sex using a condom. If your partner wants to take off the condom during sex, they must ask first. They need your consent.

E – Enthusiastic. Use visual aids to show what excitement and enthusiasm look like. Talk about how it feels to be excited and enthusiastic. Let your client know that anything other than smiling and happy should be treated as a no.

S - Specific.  Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to kiss) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex).

Your client does not need to recognise the acronym to benefit from the information in FRIES. 

Consent and the law

Most people practice consent because they want pleasure and to connect with others. Talking about the law is not the best approach. Still, telling your client that consent is a legal requirement can be helpful.

In Australia, laws about consent are different in every state. In general, your client should know that:

• The legal age for sex is 16 or 17. Check which age you state requires.
• Sex with family members is illegal.
• Sex in public is against the law. People in public have the right to consent (or not) to seeing sex.

• Consent must be sober. Drunk people have poor decision-making skills. If you are drunk, you cannot consent. As a bonus, sober sex feels better than drunk sex.

The law also bans sex with professionals in a supporting role, such as support workers, teachers, and doctors. If your client has support staff that must touch or see their private parts, make it clear that consent is needed.

Coping with rejection

Most people fear rejection. It hurts. It feels awkward. It can be hard to say "No." It can be hard to hear "No."

Rejection feels so bad that some people avoid practising consent. Some people feel like they have to say "Yes". Some people do sexual things without asking. Both these things can lead to sexual harm. Teaching your client to cope with rejection is vital. 

Before your client seeks consent, encourage them to plan what they will do:

• If the person says no
• If the person says yes. 

If your client finds it hard to say no, tell them they are not responsible for anyone else's pleasure. Encourage your client to practice saying no. They could say things like:

• Not today.
• No, I don't want to.
• I'd rather…
• Thanks, but I don't feel that way about you.
• I don't feel like it. Why don't you find somewhere private to masturbate?

If your client experiences rejection, remind them that they must always respect people's right to say "No". Let them know that most people feel rejected sometimes. Validate their feelings. Tell them it's okay to feel disappointed, sad, or upset. However, they should always treat others with respect.

If someone says no to sex, your client could say:

• Thanks for telling me.
• I'm glad you were honest.
• Is there anything you'd like to do instead?
• Okay, I will go to my room or my house now. 

Practising these statements with you beforehand could help your client behave well when they face rejection. 

Remind your client that if they feel very frustrated or aroused, they can find somewhere private to masturbate.

If your client feels very upset after facing rejection, they could talk to someone who was not involved in the situation, like a support worker. Help your client choose who to talk to. 

Sometimes, people say no because they are not ready for a specific sex act. You could talk to your client about this possibility if it's appropriate.

For example, imagine your client asked someone to have sex with them. If the person said no but did not seem offended or scared, your client could ask if they want to try something less intimate instead.

They could:

• Have a conversation about what the other person wants.
• Suggest things like hugs, kisses or holding hands.

To help your client understand this concept, you could help them write a list of intimate acts. Then, put the list in order of least to most intimate. Explain that people usually need to start at least intimate and slowly build towards the most intimate. It helps them feel safe. Remind your client they must get consent every step of the way. 

Recognising enthusiasm

In most Australian states and territories, laws about consent say that consent is only present when there is an enthusiastic "yes".

The absence of "no" is NOT consent.

People may say "yes" to sexual intimacy because they are frightened and feel that saying "yes" will keep them safe.

Talk to your client about how to recognise enthusiastic consent. 

Enthusiastic consent is likely present if someone says yes and:

• Smiles.
• Looks happy and relaxed.
• Says things like, "I like that."
• Touches your client, too.
• Sounds turned on and groans or moans with pleasure.

If your client is unsure, encourage them to ask their partner if they’re enjoying it.

Enthusiastic consent is NOT present if someone says yes but:

• Pushes your client away (a fight response).
• Tries to leave the situation (a flight response).
• Stops moving or becomes non-responsive (a freeze response).
• Only wants to avoid being hurt if they say no (a fawning response).

Understanding these responses is crucial in recognising when someone may not be giving enthusiastic and voluntary consent to sexual activity. All parties must communicate openly, respect boundaries, and ensure that consent is freely given and ongoing.

When to say "Yes", "No", or "Stop"

Our bodies tell us if we want to consent to sex based on whether we feel safe or not. Anything you can do to help clients connect with their body's sense of "safe" and "not safe" will help them know when they want to consent. This includes giving them words to help them talk about safety.

Being able to notice and interpret internal bodily sensations helps us recognise and understand our emotions. For instance, increased heart rate and shallow breathing might show anxiety or excitement.

Some people with ID may be less able to recognise and interpret their internal bodily signals. It can be helpful to:

• Talk about how safe and unsafe people act.
• Get support to understand feelings, like seeing a therapist.

What about the rights of residential carers and families?

For people with ID, sex may happen in care facilities or family homes when other people are close by. It could be masturbation, sex with a partner or sex online. The other people who live in these environments may see or hear sex when they don't want to.

Everyone has the right to decide whether they see or hear sex, including people supporting a person with ID. This type of consent can be challenging to manage. 

In an ideal world, everyone would receive adequate sex education before problematic sexual behaviours occur. However, this is often not the case in the disability sector. A client may be offered sex education only after they show problematic behaviour in front of staff or family. Each situation is different. Often, there is no easy solution.

Some tips:

• Offer training and education for all clients to help prevent problems later.
• Keep resources handy to explain appropriate sexual behaviour and remind your client of what they already know. Visual aids can help.
• Role-model consent whenever possible and reward non-sexual consensual behaviour. You could say, "I really liked how you asked first before we hugged. That's great consent. I feel safe with you when you do that."
• If inappropriate behaviour occurs, interrupt calmly and firmly. Describe the behaviour clearly. Say that it is not okay.
• Avoid shame and judgment.
• Explain that sexual behaviour needs to happen in private and have good consent. If your client has broken the law, you could tell them.
• Explain the consequences of inappropriate behaviour. It makes people feel upset/awkward/unsafe/yucky. Tell your client everyone has the right to feel safe and comfortable in their workplace and home.
• Discuss the event with a supervisor and explore support options with a specialist. Talk to your supervisor about who - if anyone - needs to be told about what happened. Protect your client's right to privacy. Sharing information can cause discrimination and an 'angry pitchfork mob' reaction. Only tell people who need to know.